****Trigger warning : child loss ****
This month is always a rollercoaster of my emotions.
April is about the season of rebirth and resurrection.
Last week was my moms birthday.
What many of you that follow me know is that I lost her earthside when I was 6 years old.
What many of you may not know is this month would also have been the anticipated birth month for my angel baby that I had complications with 4 years ago.
You likely don't know because I don't often talk about it because it was the most confusing, painful, and lonely part my of life.
I didn't really want children but the pain I went through really shook that into me even deeper after the chaos that ensued during those dark days.
I was more alone than I ever felt even though I had Selo lovingly by my side. I was lonely because the support of feminine sisterhood or companionship was totally distant and basically non existent.
It was mostly distant though… because I wasn't willing to share what I was going through. I was scared confused and felt broken. I felt like everyone would judge me and have opinions.
My body was fighting me. The doctors didn't even know I was pregnant or what was happening until far to late, and though my body was definitely rejecting the pregnancy and considered a miscarriage I still had to make hard decisions and basically experience the loss as an abortion in the end which rocked my own beliefs and values at the time.
I had to face that a part of me and quite possibly all of me was dying and there was nothing I could truly do about it. My body was angry and so was my heart.
I remember looking the angel of death in the eyes and talking with the spirits of my own ancestry and feelings such a sense of disconnect from the world around me.
The judgements that I felt going through the motions were numbing and I felt like no one was going to understand what I was going through.
Looking back at it and knowing what I do now, I realize how not alone I truly am. Especially in how I felt.
I didn't realize how many others suffered from such a loss and traumatizing experience and series of decisions.
After my situation I started offering soul sessions again as a way to help myself and others heal and suddenly God placed women after women in my path that had similar experiences. I was amazed at how Spirit knew I needed to work with these women to begin to heal my own heart.
I still don't talk about it on here as publicly because I realize how hard of a topic this is for so many.
But I also want others to realize they are not alone.
During my series of events I had many visions and intense dreams. Many of which my mom and grandmothers spirits came to me to let me know everything would be okay and they would take care of my angels soul.
I think that was some of the most comforting moments through it all. Knowing that death and loss wasn't new to me. I had experienced grief in many forms but this new form of it was beyond my comprehension. I know now that it was a part of my journey for a bigger reason and so that I could help understand and be a light for others who also experience these things.
Art is my way to heal and connect. So I've begin a series of pieces to process these feelings for myself as I know they will continue to come up for me. I hope to make prints of these pieces to.share with others going through similar experiences.
This is one of 2 I've already begun.
If this speaks to you or someone you know please leave a comment or share with a friend. Let the womben of your life know they are not alone in this journey.
I don't know if I'll ever want or have kids after all of it to be honest. But what I do know is that in my heart I do have an angel baby and they show themselves to me through signs and synchronicities nearly everyday. It took a while for me to be willing to acknowledge them. But I am grateful to have a connection to the spirit and know it is safe.
The rise as an angel momma is scary and heavy. It’s something that never leaves your heart. It can feel very lonely at times.
But the truth is…we are never alone.
If you read this far, thanks for being a part of my journey.
Shine on always.
~☆ Angel Momma is a 16x20 mixed media piece with shimmering glitter varnish and made with a whole lotta love ☆~